Reducing my anti-depressants
After 7 years on anti-depressants, and 4 years on this particular one, I'm finally feeling good and am starting to reduce them....
I feel torn about this. On one hand I just want to shout hooray. But on the other, there's nothing wrong with being on anti-depressants, and I'm totally fine with needing them to function properly, so I won't be too upset if it turns out I can't come off them completely, or at all.
But I thought I'd document my journey of decreasing my meds. I have no idea if it's going to be good to read, or useful or interesting to anyone out there, but I want to document it, even if no one ever reads it but me.
April 14th - first day of reducing the dose.
Start dose - 40mg Fluoxetine daily
Dose today - 30mg Fluoxetine
Result - no difference yet but feeling very positive about it. It's Teddy's 5th birthday today so might be on a high from that, we had a great day together flying kits, climbing trees and flying rockets.
Sunday April 18th - day no. 4
Still on the 30mg dose, but had my first blip today. It could be down to so many things, period, coming out of lockdown, etc. but it scared me a bit and really made me question whether this is right for me. I'm going to keep going as I don't want to give up at the first hurdle, and hey, it might not even be related to reducing my pills. Hormones are a total pain in the bum!!
Thursday 22nd April - day no. 8
I've made it a whole week! Woohoo, go me. Although it's nothing I've really done is it...?
Anyway, I'm still feeling good, although I'm not sleeping well at night. I wake up feeling very restless, completely wide awake, with my brain telling me about everything I did that day, everything I didn't do, everything I should've done, and everything I could do if I got out of bed this very second and just got on with it! I'm also sweating buckets at night too, which is rather unpleasant. BUT, I'm still feeling mentally ok, which is great. Here's to the next week!
Saturday 24th April - day no. 10
I've been wandering around the flat just wanting something to eat or drink and not being satisfied by anything for the last couple of days.
It reminds me of giving up smoking in my early twenties. I would wander round my little south London home, opening the fridge, having a look and shutting it again, going to each food cupboard and doing the same thing. I'd even go to the freezer and just check there wasn't anything in there that would satisfy me (and there was never ice cream in there...well, not that I was allowed to eat anyway!). It took my 2 whole days to work out it was cigarettes I was craving. It's taken me the same amount of time now to figure out I'm feeling the same thing, but I can't just have a smoke to make me feel better. I can totally see how I could put on a LOT of weight over the next few weeks. I could just keep eating and eating and not being satisfied. I almost feel a bit manic, like my body can't rest. I've honestly just got up to do some yoga, and to do some kettle bell exercises and that did help a bit. But getting to sleep is hard, and I haven't slept well for a few nights now, waking up in the middle and being wide awake and a bit jittery.
I really hope I'm not going to feel like this for the next 8 weeks, or however long this is going to take.
Tuesday 27th April - day no. 13
Ok, new developments over the last week; I am definitely feeling lower again, and having slightly anxious moments here and there, where I would usually feel confident and take things in my stride. My body is changing too, which is annoying. I’ve weighed myself and haven’t actually put weight on (yet!), but my belly is back, and my bum is wider and bigger. It’s like it’s changing before my eyes and it’s very annoying. I’m suddenly not comfortable wearing most of my clothes, not because they don’t fit anymore, but because I’m weirdly, very very slightly not the right shape for them now. I may even have a go at sewing my own trousers soon, but who knows if that’ll happen 😂
I’m tired in the middle of the day, which i think is when I finally relax. I’m by myself, the boys are at school, and it’s right after lunch so I have nothing else to think about until the school run. I honestly could have a nap every day between 1-3pm! But when it comes to bedtime I’m pretty wired, and find it hard to switch off, so am trying not to nap.
I will try to get hold of my doctor this week, as I’m not sure I’m ready to reduce again on Thursday as planned. How can only 10mg do this much to me??? Am I just imagining it all?! What is going to happen if I go down another 10mg? Should I just give up and go back up to 40mg? I have no idea and no answers right now...
Thursday 29th April - day 15
It's been 2 weeks, and I should've reduced again today. Have I? Errrr, no.
I've booked a telephone appointment with my doctor for next week. But to be honest I'm tempted just to go back up to 40mg again. Today has been horrid. I spent the afternoon lying on the sofa under a blanket, not wanting to move. I somehow managed to get food shopping done and get pizza on the table for dinner, but I am now back on the sofa, and don't want to get up again unless it's for ice cream or bed. I miss the energy I used to have, and how much I used to love spending time with my family, I mean I still love it but I had such an amazing energy and enthusiasm for it and now it's just more hard work and I don't want to hop over to the woods to look for fairies. I really hope my body gets used to this lower dose soon. How long is long enough to allow it to readjust do you think? Is 2 weeks long enough or do I give my body longer?