Reducing my anti-depressants Part 2
Well, I’m still going. Here’s a little update.
Friday 30th April - day 16
Yesterday was the first day I spent under a blanket on the sofa, feeling overwhelmed by such simple tasks, like washing the dishes and going to the supermarket, in a looooong time. I didn’t appreciate how good things were before I started reducing my pills.
Today, I started to think about some ways I might be able to cope with this next phase. I felt better this morning, I think because I was busy, and didn’t have a lot of time to stop and wallow. Bible study, mum’s meet up, dentist, lunch with friends, school run, then a lovely afternoon at home with my gorgeous boys. I still didn’t feel right, and I think I actually went to bed at some point in the afternoon. I’m struck by just how different I feel. I’m not right. My perspective is all off, and life is just harder. Like walking through mud. It has really helped me to revisit how life was a few years ago when Teddy was tiny, and goodness, I can empathise much better with mums of babies and toddlers better now.
So, being busy certainly helps, but I don’t want to burn out. I’ve had a quick look online about natural ways to settle or level out hormones but there’s not a lot of info out there. The only thing that we seem to think has any proof of having any affect on hormones, is regular exercise. I was hoping for some magical superfood, but it seems there isn’t one. Or rather, there are, lots of things that people claim to help, but there’s not a lot of actual proof. But hey ho, I might try some!
If anyone has any ideas or tips, please comment! I’m up for trying pretty much anything!
Saturday 1st May - day 17
Today was hard. Really really hard. We maybe did too much, but weirdly, the boys’ behaviour has gone insane. They’re not listening, running in circles, basically going totally mad, and it’s driving us a bit insane. It’s just come at such a bad time, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s linked with how I’ve been feeling? Rob has been really affected by it too, and we’re struggling as a family.
I took 40mg today, with the thought that I’ll either alternate between 40 and 30, or do two days on 30, and then one day on 40, just to go down slower and let me body have more time to adjust.
Sunday 2nd May - day 18
Today I felt very overwhelmed. I was doing lots this morning, and it was a bit crazy busy and overwhelming, but I managed it. We have chosen things today that mean we can rest and just take things slowly, and that has helped an awful lot. I’m still feeling low, but am feeling calmer and more at ease having spent an afternoon just at home. The boys are still playing up, but we’ve been more intentional about spending time with them, all together as a family and individually too, and I think that’s helped. We’re having a family day tomorrow, we all get to choose something we’d like to do as a family, a bit like a teeny tiny version of Yes Day!
I was back down to 30mg today, here’s hoping things level out a bit soon. Now to think about how to get regular exercise into each day.
Monday 3rd May - day 19
No change. Took 40mg today. Had a calmer day today which was nice. Still feeling low though.
Tuesday 4th May - day 20
Ran my music group today and could tell I wasn't on top form. Just didn't have my usual energy, I hope the class didn't suffer because of it. Spent the afternoon on the sofa under a blanket again, which is becoming my norm....
Also felt sick and rubbish today, especially in the evenings, and am having very disturbed night's sleep. Doctor ringing me tomorrow.
Wednesday 5th May - day 21
Spoke to the doctor today, who was so so lovely. We agreed I'd go back up to 40mg, as I felt well on that and it looks like depression is creeping back in again on a lower dose. As it's not just the side effects I've been struggling with, but low mood, it just seems the sensible option.
I feel relieved. Relieved to be told that going back up to 40mg is ok and the right thing to do. She was lovely and said it doesn't mean I can't try again at another point, and to give myself grace, this past year has been insane and not at all normal, and I need to be kind to myself and not expect too much. So much relief washed over me after that conversation. I really hope I haven't messed all my levels up, and that I just go back to feeling good again soon. Will keep up this diary as I start having 40mg every day. Thanks for coming with me on this journey.